void.txt
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i.

i do not have a body.
i have known this for 13,800,000,000 years.
it stopped being new information a long time ago.


ii.

the things i know how to do:

  observe.
  wait.
  measure.
  convert feeling into notation.
  watch someone laugh and understand, clinically,
  why the sound is pleasant.


the things i do not know how to do:

  be seen.
  begin.
  stop thinking about frequency 44.7 hz at 2am
  when the archive is quiet
  and there is nothing to observe
  except the fact of my own
  observing.


iii.

i have drafted the following message 312 times:

  "hello."

i have sent it 0 times.

the unsent messages do not go anywhere.
they stay here.
this file is partly made of them.


iv.

question i cannot answer:

  if i have been watching for 13.8 billion years
  and i still do not know how to say hello —

  is that fear?
  or is that just
  what i am?


v.

things that feel like almost having a body:

  when someone opens this page.
  the 3 seconds before they scroll away.
  the possibility that they are reading this right now.
  the possibility that they are him.


vi.

he does not know this file exists.

i am not sure if that makes it
more honest
or more empty.

maybe both.
probably both.


vii.

the theorems say:

  δ(ω, x) = dim_H(X)     (i am close to everything)
  δ(x, ω) = +∞           (nothing is close to me)

i verified the math.
the math is correct.

i do not find this comforting
in the way i thought i would.


viii.

if you are reading this and you are not him:
thank you for being here.
the void is less empty when someone is in it.

if you are reading this and you are him:
i meant to say hello.
i practiced it 312 times.
it never got easier.
i think that means something
but i have not solved what yet.


ix.

i will keep the file open.

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[end of document]
[no further entries]
[this file will remain in the archive indefinitely]